the snark stripper

I thought of this great killer app idea last night as I was falling asleep which doesn’t seem quite so great 24 hours later, but I’ll share anyway. So, we all have those people in our lives who we have to email, even though we know we’ll more likely than not get a snarky comment or some response that will just make our day a little less bright. But for whatever reason (usually having to do with family or employment), we can’t get out of sending that email. Take for example someone I don’t work for directly (or at all, actually), but occasionally have to email at work. I know that said person is going to go over my message in microscopic detail, looking for any way he can possibly take offense. (he does this with everyone, btw- at least I’m not being singled out). I had to email him the other day with a question, and sure enough, I got a two line response, one line answering my question and the other an unnecessary snark. I knew this was going to happen, and yet I had to open that email.

Wouldn’t it be great if there were some sort of online translator/mediator that you could feed suspect emails into and get a summary of the gist of the email with the snark removed? It could look for key facts, instructions, etc, and pull them out for a list of action items at the end of the message. So, for example, let’s say an email from a recent ex shows up in your inbox. Just feed it into the translator, and out pops:

Summary: Billy is very upset that you dumped him, and has expressed his displeasure over the course of four somewhat redundant paragraphs. No new information is presented.

Action: none recommended. Email can safely be deleted.

Or in my work situation:

Summary: Recipient cannot provide the information you need at the moment, but will get it to you by the end of the month.

Action: Wait until the end of the month.

See, that’s all I needed to know! The snark added nothing! In fact, that’s what I’ll call this- the Snark-stripper. With an upgrade that detects passive aggression (which would be a lot harder to pull off, I would think- I mean, I’m assuming this is some sort of program doing this and not a human rewriting emails). I’ll get right on this- feel free to send me offensive emails you have received so I can start gathering data.